Understanding the Emotional Development of a Child

Understanding the emotions of your child is extremely important as you are one of the most important people in his life.

When he is about three years old, these emotions begin to really come into focus and he becomes aware of feelings of sadness, joy, love, fear, disappointment, anger, happiness, caring and hatred.

Babies have emotions as well but they are mainly elementary emotions such as pleasure, fear, pain, discomfort and basically anything else that relates to his physical wellbeing.

From the ages of three to six, there is a rapid development of the child’s emotions and he is confronted with emotions in new ways. These new emotions may be quite intense and frightening for a child. As a parent, you need to help him to understand and cope with these emotions.

During this period, his anger may turn into tantrums, and his enthusiasm may show in inappropriate behaviour, bad dreams become nightmares, relatively small concerns become terrifying fears, and disappointment seems like the end of the world to him. He becomes vulnerable and can be easily hurt emotionally.

As the child progresses into his early years at school, his emotional world becomes much larger with friends, teachers, and even activities taking up a larger part of his life. His total dependency on his parents decreases.

At this stage, the child learns of new emotional experiences such as success and failure, competitiveness, approval and disapproval, and acceptance and rejection by his peers and others.

This can sometimes be exhilarating as he becomes involved in sport and other activities. It can also be harsh as the reality of ability and inability comes to the forefront of his world. After all, children can be cruel and hurtful to their peers if they perceive them to be inferior in their abilities in any way.

By the time the child reaches adolescence, his emotional experiences become more complex as friends become the core of his emotional life. This creates a pull away from the home and the family unit and can be quite confusing for the young person. Add to this the emotionally laden issues of sexuality and it can be very delightful as well as frightening for him.

At this point, the adolescent has become a physical and emotional being. For the most part, his world is reasonably well formed and he has an understanding of his emotions and coping strategies.

If, for any reason, the adolescent shows signs of being unable to cope with his emotions, it is important to seek professional help for him. Failure to do so may be a recipe for disaster. Some young people who have difficulty in coping may turn to drugs and alcohol as a coping strategy.

Addressing Anger

Addressing Anger Management For Kids In Creative Ways

It can be easy to loose your patience when dealing with an especially unruly or angry child, but in doing so you are really just reinforcing the child’s angry behavior. You can use some fun ways to get the child to see the excessive nature of their own anger, instead of reacting with anger

Although in especially heated situations this may be a struggle, the faster you can get the child to release their anger, the quicker you can diffuse the situation and have an efficient conversation. Contrary to anger management for adults, anger management for kids is less restrictive. With Kids, it is possible to use more imaginative techniques.

First step: Point Out the Obvious

If your child is reacting in a ridiculously angry way, point it out calmly. You should not tease your child about it, but make them understand how silly it is to rave and rant. Pretend their words are blowing you over or make an exaggerated face of surprise in return. Make your message clear, but your reaction light hearted. Because kids don’t have the same social experience as adults to pick up on small nuances, you don’t need to be subtle in addressing anger management for kids. If their anger doesn’t break down yours, you will be able to break down the walls the child has erected around their emotions.

Second step: Create Space

If the child is still not responding to your efforts even if you’ve reacted light-heartedly and calmly, there is no harm in expressing your inability to deal with the child in their angry state, and then just walking away. If the child runs screaming after you after using this technique, calmly remind he or she that you can only speak with them when they have calmed down, and do not react to them until their anger has subsided. You’ll know that you have been effective in driving home your message if the child understands that they have to work past their anger in order to get your attention. If you are consistent in your message, the child will learn quickly how to cope with his or her own anger.

If you can remember how frustrating it felt to be a child and to want to be heard, you’ll hold the key to anger management for kids. In the case of anger management for kids, it is less a symptom of underdevelopment, as it may be in adults, and more a lesson that has not yet been learned. The best teachers are not necessarily the strictest. When dealing with anger management for kids, remember that the best teachers are the ones who can see past the child’s surface reaction to the little person inside who’s begging for help.

Anger in Kids and Elders

Letting out your anger in a healthy way with your kids


Kids know just which buttons to push to wind you up - and they like to push them. So everyone gets angry with their kids from time to time - it's normal and healthy too.

I think as a parent and as a professional parent coach, it helps to accept that anger is an honest emotion, but it’s what you choose to do with your anger that’s important.

If you don’t express your anger and you suppress it, it can lead to frustration, resentment, bitterness, a sense of hopelessness and depression which is not a good thing for you or your children long term

Resentment builds walls between your children.

So, how do you handle your anger and release your temper healthily?

Well, one way is to press your internal and imaginary “pause button” like the one on your DVD and ask yourself “What exactly am I annoyed about?” This helps you step back from the situation that you find yourself in -immediately distancing you and getting you back in control and helping to calm you down.

You may find that you get wound up by the same things - so this is a good opportunity to ask yourself other empowering and enlightening questions.

“What would I like to see happen in a perfect world?” as this helps you start focusing on a new solution to your frustration. Relax and start to breathe slowly and deeply as this too takes the edge out of the anger and get very, very specific about what it is you want to see happen - this gives you clarity and direction and helps you pass this on to your children who don’t often understand what exactly it is you want them to do.

Also ask yourself “Is my attitude moving me closer to or further away from the relationship I want with my children long term?”

This question takes you immediately out of the mundane and humdrum into the bigger picture to your parenting. It immediately changes your perspective which is extremely powerful and helpful.

Another positive step to take is to talk openly and honestly to your child about how you are feeling and to release your pent up emotion - you can say something like:

“I’m tired telling you this over and over again because I feel……”

“I’m angry with you because …..”

“I’m hurt because you did…..”

This teaches your child about empathy and immediately takes the emotional charge out of your own energy and frustration.

If you feel like screaming and shouting at your kids then your own anger has been building up for a long time.

A helpful strategy to explore is talking to a mirror. Get a mirror and imagine talking to the other person as if they were looking at you in that mirror. Imagine them sitting calmly, attentively and in a relaxed state listening to you properly. Tell them exactly how you feel - pour out your heart - speak truthfully - explain all the frustration, anger, hurt or disappointment. You can even imagine a rainbow going between you bridging the gap of misunderstanding.

The important aspect of these different techniques is to get all your feelings out in a safe and healthy way.

Some people hit pillows, bounce on the bed, hit golf balls in the garden or go for a long hard walk round the block - I have even been known to go into a cupboard and have a good swear to myself! Do something physical to release your charged -up emotions. Don’t be reckless or dangerous to yourself or your child. Just step back, breathe deeply and slowly and find what suits you and experiment with it - you can even make yourself laugh after you look or sound ridiculous - which is great way to change your state too.

Don’t be afraid to let your anger take its natural course - there’s no need to feel guilt and shame because your thoughts are your feelings in action or motion. That’s why some people describe them as e-motion.

Your anger can be a really positive opportunity to serve a purpose to find out what’s really worrying you deep down. Just stop and ask yourself “What am I so angry about?” You will get clarity from asking that question which will help you identify what you’d like to change. It’s usually something small that can make a big difference in your life and help you move forward -not stay stuck.

Once you’ve expressed your anger about the behaviour that you don’t like in your child, never use a personal vitriolic attack as it damages your child’s self esteem, do your best to forgive your child and to forgive yourself - have a hug, say sorry and move on to learn the lesson from the experience.

Maybe you’re a person who’s been angry for a major part of your life or for a long time. I call this “habitual anger” because you’ve got used to behaving in this way so it’s become a habit.

Habitual anger is trying to tell you something - ask yourself some better questions - questions that empower you and give you an insight into yourself:

• Why am I choosing to be angry all the time?

• What am I doing to create these situations time and time again?

• What is it that’s making me angry?

• Who am I really angry at?

• What do I believe about my life that causes all these frustrations?

• Is this the only way I can react to life?

• What could I do differently?

• How could I feel more in control of my life?

Being permanently angry isn't good for you. So it’s really a great relief when you start to understand what’s causing it and start to make some small changes to help you feel more in control of your life generally. It’s finding new answers starts with asking yourself better questions.

Many women and particularly Mums have been taught that to be angry was something bad and unacceptable and that to lose your temper meant you were a “Bad Person” or a “Bad Parent.” So, many Mums have learnt to feel guilty and to swallow their anger rather than express it healthily.

This is an unhealthy way to handle your anger as it can turn inwards and make you feel unhappy, helpless, stuck, depressed and generally out of control of your life. So acknowledge that it’s perfectly normal to lose your temper sometimes and find a strategy or technique that suits you to release it safely.

You are a role model for your children in everything that you do so teach them how to handle anger and frustration healthily and talk about it with them.

What better gift can you give your children?